I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400