I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN