I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”