Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

God, I love Scotland

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”