Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops