You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
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my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?