@juliussharpe

I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.

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@JihadPizza

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

@WheelTod

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@suecorvette

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

@continentlbkfst

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

@CulturedRuffian

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

@brryyccceee

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.