*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.
You Might Also Like
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
CIA: also someone’s a spy
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I thought landlady was the opposite of mermaid?