I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies