Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

even bears disappoint their mothers

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.