I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
You Might Also Like
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time