Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

*seductively eats two tums*

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

ㅤ

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!