I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I’d love this…lol
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Just parrot things
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[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Wow 🤣
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Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.