I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
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My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
She: I like Cats
He:
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
sliding into dms like
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Shower sex be like: