Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

me and who

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

Would you wear it?

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.