Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Musicians.)

Noah

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅