I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
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me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.