Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

What?!?