{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.