I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
roses are red
i fall when i skate
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol