@ddsmidt

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

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@Brampersandon_

BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?

@Brianhopecomedy

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

@tarashoe

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

@TheIntComShow

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

@jake_lach

Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do

He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot

@WillSaysStuff

welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve?

uh, hey. are you gonna make the ‘snapped my g-string’ joke?

no

*steve leaves*

@Mr_Kapowski

Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!

Me: I know. I was winning.

@

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@bombchelle87

How am I supposed to drink responsibly when responsibility is the whole damn reason I drink?