Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

The Eggorcist

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake