I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?