“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
You Might Also Like
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes