I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
How do you like your Corgi?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Good lord
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.