Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

the dark web is just a goth google.

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

*offers Batman cough drops*

Family Celebrity

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.