Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

my nickname in college

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

Lmfao

Always