Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

😎

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”