My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
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[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[looking at a criminal line up]
me: *gasps* holy shit
cop: what? do you recognize your wife’s killer?
me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat.
I answered nuts.
We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5.
Me: *eating a snack*
Dog trainer: those are for the dog
Me: then why does it look like bacon?
Dog trainer: to fool the dog
Me: *still eating them* I see
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.