I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

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My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully


[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this


[looking at a criminal line up]
me: *gasps* holy shit

cop: what? do you recognize your wife’s killer?

me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?


Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.


wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?


My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat.
I answered nuts.
We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5.
My boy.


Me: *eating a snack*

Dog trainer: those are for the dog

Me: then why does it look like bacon?

Dog trainer: to fool the dog

Me: *still eating them* I see


To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …


I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.