I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
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[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.