1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
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“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
ME: you wanna go outside?
DOG: [wagging tail] woof woof!
ME: ok just a second
DOG: [pulls a gun] woof [gestures to door] woof