@WheelTod

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

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@dreamthievin

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

@DancesWithTamis

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

@PetiteRainCity

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

@MomOfTeen

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

@somecleverthing

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

@bylinetd

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

@That_Damn_Duck

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

@polite_good_boy

DOG: woof

ME: you wanna go outside?

DOG: [wagging tail] woof woof!

ME: ok just a second

DOG: [pulls a gun] woof [gestures to door] woof