Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Hit me in the face with a bird

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.