Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

i hope my email finds you on fire

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!