I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
You Might Also Like
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Most Common Source of Electricity
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
The Sun
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late