I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.