I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
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my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.