I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
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A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
The United Steaks of America
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.