I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Holy crap this is wonderful
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!