I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
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Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.