Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!