I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
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[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Rare photo of two submarines racing
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there