I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
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*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..