I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
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I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*