“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
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I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
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The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
No, YOUR illiterate.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.