Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.