“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
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I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Rather alarming headline…
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Confused owl: What?!
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Trumpy Cat
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.