Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

Oceanography is all about current events

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker