I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”