I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
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If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Sees apostrophe after noun
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I’ve never felt so alone.
Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?