I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

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If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.


if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas


THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.


My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.


When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?


“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes


Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I’ve never felt so alone.
Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?