I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
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Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
sleeping beauty
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.