I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
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WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
early stone age tool
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women