Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.