Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.