I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.