I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
