I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
🗽
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
We’ve all been there
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”