I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.