I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.