I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
You Might Also Like
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Carpe DM
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
nothing saves money like being antisocial
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*