@GreenValentia

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

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@amydillon

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

@AndyAsAdjective

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

@ZSmooth2

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

@BigRadMachine

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

@TheZachCozad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@KenJennings

LOL at people who “love seafood” but won’t even eat a silverfish

@DivorceDiva

I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.

Wait, where ya going?

@MaryKoCo

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL