I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.