OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?
DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
LOL at people who “love seafood” but won’t even eat a silverfish
I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.
Wait, where ya going?
This is basically halfway to being a children’s book
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL