I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
So sorry
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
