I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
channeling her this year
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??