Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em