I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
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Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.