Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.