I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
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no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
called in thicc to work this morning
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Aw man, but that’s the best part
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
based al yankovic
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Cinematography is my passion
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories