Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.