I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
For the ones in the back.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.