I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”