I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.