Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Every time.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

mood

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning