I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
You Might Also Like
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out