I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
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You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?