I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
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Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
🤣dope
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever