I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
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*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
ok hear me out: Luigiana
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.