Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

going to bed

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.