“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.