Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile