I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”