I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

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Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.


Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.


My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.


Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?


If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.



-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die


* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead


To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”


Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun


[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”