@Darlainky

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

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@DothTheDoth

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

@ImNotThatJohn

Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.

@o__0Dev

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

@Darlainky

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

@DrakeGatsby

? THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

@TheAlexP

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

@tuckerflodman

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

@fro_vo

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

@withanewname

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”